*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
You Might Also Like
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
See..?
.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side