Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
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*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Happy Febuary everyone!
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it