Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
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Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.