Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
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Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Wednesday
used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.