My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
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To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
New comic up. “Ransom”
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more