The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
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My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
God, I love Scotland
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
🤣🤣🤣
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat