How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
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If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
rapatouille
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it