Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
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If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
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