Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
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Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
How your email finds me
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall