That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
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Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Holy moly
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.