It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
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No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
What is going on? 😅
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
sir, my pâté if you please
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
What an awful time to have common sense.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?