hear me out : pockets for your socks
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Someone just threatened to call me later
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
I’d use my best pan on you.