Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
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There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
This is enough internet for the day.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*