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5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.