So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
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[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*