A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
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I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION