I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
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We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Always 🥴
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*