[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
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[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
For the baby who has everything
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
want me to check your oil?
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow