If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
You Might Also Like
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.