Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
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Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…