My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
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My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.