If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
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if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?