The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
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I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
My blood type is coffee.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.