I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
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chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones