her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
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Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.