{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
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Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
ready to be harvested
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Lucky old June.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?