One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
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12653.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER