Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
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“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen