It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
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Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
shit just got real
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
how to market bottled water to dads
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though