[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
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imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
The honesty is refreshing
Close call…
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped