My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
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[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
dictator is short for richard potato
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
ok this is my dumbest yet
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose