At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
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Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
My flabber has been gasted.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Me, in DM rooms…