Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
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“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Not today, today.
Not today.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.