*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
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All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”