Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
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When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.