Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
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I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
i smell a pulitzer
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon