Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
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New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
finally found a reasonable question
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
just left a huge legacy in there
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.