You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
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Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven鈥檛 been able to pee in months
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That鈥檚 Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat鈥檚 been taken.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
[date]
Her: I鈥檓 a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
How鈥檚 homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 馃檪
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Me: I鈥檓 going to shower
6: you鈥檙e beautiful! You don鈥檛 need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Wife: You won鈥檛 believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don鈥檛 get mad
Me: *snoring*
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Can makeup companies just admit that they鈥檝e run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.