I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
You Might Also Like
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Home #decor warning.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Why is everyone getting married at me
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him