Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
You Might Also Like
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
*orders delivery*
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.