“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
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i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies