(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
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Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
There are no pants in heaven.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?