ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
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Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
My new favorite headline
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
They’re not wrong
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings