Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
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teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.