we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
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Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.