don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
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You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Good advice.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Kids: Stay in school.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.