Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
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I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.