This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
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“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
pls suprot
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.