I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
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I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Love this one 😂🧟
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
is this store having a stroke wtf
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.