Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
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doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb